I head into the kitchen and get a couple of slices of pizza, I can hear Jordy flipping through the channels to try to find something that'll hold his interest. The channel surfing stops as I enter the room. He's decided on an infomercial for something called a Super Cleavage Maximizer Bra, I hear the TV claim that this will increase your visible bust size by up to two cups, I roll my eyes. Jordy doesn't look away from the TV. “Any show about boobs and I'm there!” he exclaims. “Really, this?” I ask.
“Look at all the cleavage!”
“We have the internet, you can look at all the tits you want.”
“None of these women do porn, I don't think.”
“They could've.” I tell him, more wanting him to go use the internet so I don't have to hear the infomercial than anything else. Tonight for some reason he's not budging on this one. “Nope, I wanna see if they show the brunette in just the bra.” he tells. Why do I bother I ask myself silently. I know that once he's locked on to something he won't give it up, he has the tenacity of a pit-bull when he wants something, hence the holes in the would be neighbors yard.
“Look at that redhead!” he exclaims.
“Kylie Something or other, Porn Goddess.” I state.
“She does porn?”
Yeah, a lot of it and she doesn't need that Bra thingy, she has an amazing rack, even has implants that look good on her.”
“You hate implants.” he reminds me.
“I know, but hers work really well on her.”
“Musta had a good Doctor then.”
“A fucking artist is more like it.” I inform.
“Ireland! That's her name.” he says as it flashes across the Tv screen. With that he's up and over to the computer. I admit that I hunt and peck, but from years of surfing the net I have a system that works pretty well and I can knock off about forty five words a minute. Jordy, on the other hand, hunts and pecks, with just one finger, always searching for the letter or number he wants. So anything he happens to be doing on the computer takes him longer than it would take the average five year old. This is where I step in and type over his shoulder for him. I type in a porn tube website address and then do a search for Miss Ireland, the small squares, thirty per page fill the screen, many of them of her in various positions with male and sometimes female appendages penetrating every orifice they'll fit into. Some of the objects and appendages so large as to defy logic, some might be considered scary or possibly dangerous.
“She can fit that in her ass?” he asks pointing at one video in which she has inserted a very large semi phallic object into her anal cavity.
“She's a professional, I'm sure she knows what she's doing.”
“But how?” he exclaims.
“Practice I guess.”
“Where do you even find something that big?”
“The internet.”
“Touche`” he says as the video starts to load. I hear Miss Ireland's voice as she instructs her female partner to “Relax and take it!”
What amazes me about Jordy is this, he'll sit and watch almost every video he can find involving this woman and never once touch himself. I'm not sure if he doesn't know how to masturbate, of if he just files the images away to memory until he takes a shower then handles his business. Throughout the years that he's been living with me I've never once walked in on him jerking off. He's walked in on me plenty of times, he just rolls his eyes and tells me he wants to talk when I'm done. I go back to my pizza and pick up a book by Clive Barker that I've been working on for a while. From time to time I hear a “Wow”, or an “Oh man” drift over from Jordy's direction, I also know that this is one of those times where I can light a cigarette and he won't pester me about it. He's enthralled by Miss Ireland, for now, last week it was Sinn Sage and next week I'll introduce him to Elexis Monroe. As long as I keep the porn starlets and goddesses coming, I can have a few hours of peace from him every week. It's not easy living with him, but he's here and despite several attempts, I've given up on trying to get him to leave.
I went so far as to lock him out of the house once. He sat outside on the folding chairs I have and slept under the picnic table when it rained. Finally I felt sorry for him and let him back in. He never even got mad about it. If anything he was sad, I could see it in his eyes. He's never brought it up and I've not kicked him out since then. He's told me on a number of occasions that he has nowhere to go and that he likes it here. I make it a point to remind him once in a while, especially when he pisses me off which he seems to have a talent for that he doesn't pay bills, nor does he contribute to the amount of food in the house. He insists that he provides a service to me by being a sounding board and that if he were being payed he'd make as much as a Psychiatrist. Then I remind him that he has no Phd.
About this time Helen walks into the room, I didn't hear her come in the house, but here she is and she's looking at me very angrily.
“Will she be back?” she asks.
“Yes, I still need her here for one night.” I reply. Jordy now turns away from his porn viewing to watch the drama, he only occasionally gets involved in the arguments between Helen and myself.
“Why?” she demands to know.
“I already told you, I need someone reliable.”
“I am reliable!” she insists.
“No you're not.” Jordy chimes in.
“And you are?”
“He never said that.” I defend.
“Nope, I'm not reliable, not at all, that's why he called Lynda.” Jordy admits.
“You like her?” she asks.
“Duh!” Jordy mocks.
“Not the point whatsoever.” I say.
“Then what is the point?” she asks.
“I need someone who will wake me every hour, to make sure that I'm still responsive and alive, you won't do that.” I tell her.
“I would too, I love you and I'd do anything for you.” she says.
“Except wake me up.” I say. Jordy opens his mouth to say something and she shushes him with a finger pointed in his direction, giving him a look that tells him she doesn't want to hear it.
“Get rid of her, give me a chance, you'll see, I'll wake you.” she pleads.
“Like that time his alarm clock was broken and you didn't wake him for work because he was sleeping peacefully for once?” Jordy says sarcastically.
“Or how about the time you were supposed to set the alarm clock if he fell asleep and didn't?” he asks her. Her eyes narrow and I can tell that this will become violent if I don't stop the two of them. “Ok, enough, Lynda will be back in a couple of hours, in case you didn't notice Helen, this is my house and I can have anyone here that I want. If you don't like it then leave.” I tell her. She looks at me, sadness filling her face, and the tears begin. She sobs silently and turns to leave the room.
“I knew this would happen, it always does with you. Every woman who stays here for any length of time, you send them away, sooner or later. I knew it wouldn't last.” she says, her voice becoming almost a whisper as she leaves the room.
Jordy says nothing, he only looks at me. It dawns on me that he's never been here, or at least never been in the room during one of these break ups. He only looks at me, somewhat shocked, somewhat saddened. He tends to wear his heart on his sleeve, so I almost always know how he feels. I finish my pizza, Jordy turns back to his porn. Within moments it's as if nothing happened and he's back to his monosyllabic commentary on Miss Ireland's performances.
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